The first step in AA is admitting you are powerless over alcohol. That it controls you, not the other way around. I understood that early on. I knew I was out of control when it came to alcohol. I admitted that. Step 1 – Done!
Prior to sobriety, I thought I controlled everything about my drinking. When I drank, what I drank, how I drank and where I drank. It was the other way around. Alcohol was controlling where I went, how long I stayed there, who I went with and every other aspect of my life. So, I did Step 1, admitted I was powerless over alcohol and moved on. “I’ll just control everything else in my life and all will be perfect in the world.” I mean, after all, the world revolves around ME and I’m in control, right? (insert chuckle)
Today I heard something that was so loud – and profound. Not volume loud. The kind of loud that makes you shake your head. An a-ha moment. Today I learned that I am powerless. Not just over alcohol, but powerless over everything. Wait. What? I’m not Wonder Woman – or any other super hero? Unbeknownst to me, it’s true. I am powerless over the decisions my kids make, powerless over what people think of me, powerless over decisions my co-workers make, powerless over unfortunate events, powerless over all of it. In my mind, if I could just control what I eat, how I dress, how I treat people, where my kids go, who they hang out with – and pretty much everything else – that the world would be perfect. Here’s the thing: I can’t control the outcomes to any of it. Sure, I can control that I get to work on time and create healthy meals, but even that’s not totally true. Traffic and grocery store availability are out of my control also. Dang! Is there anything I can control? Probably not.
Here’s the great news: I don’t have to control anything because God’s already in control. Of everything. What a load off my shoulders! Who knew that being powerless could feel so powerful. Being in control is what I thrive on. It’s also exhausting. So today, I’m resting on the fact that I don’t need to be in control. God already is.
*Shout out to those who have followed, liked or commented on my posts. I am so grateful to have this community of support. We are all so different, yet so alike. Hugs!