Is it that I can’t or that I don’t want to?

I’ve been thinking a lot about the holidays. Especially about holiday parties and gatherings and anything else that is alcohol-related. I’ve been doing this sober thing for about a year and a half. Most days better, some days not so much. Last year I was able to stay sober amidst the chaos of the holidays. My slip-ups tend to be when the little things pile up rather than on big occasions. However, this year that ugly voice has been a bit louder than usual. That got me thinking: Is it that I can’t stay sober or that I don’t want to? In my head, I know the answer. I shouldn’t drink – any time, no matter what. It just isn’t good for me. It’s not my actions that get me into trouble, rather the hiding and lying and guilt afterwards. Hence, the huge wall I’ve built around me. The ugly voice tells me things like I’ve never been to rehab and No one knew I was drinking before so they wouldn’t notice now and How bad could it be?. Maybe I just don’t want to be sober.

Here’s the thing: I can minimize, justify or rationalize just about anything. Even drinking. I think most boozers can.

So what do I choose? What I know is best or what I want? What I can rationalize?

To be honest, I’m not exactly sure right now. I guess time will tell. I can deal with emotions or I can’t. I can choose a few hours of feel good or a lifetime of sobriety. I’m hoping I choose the latter.

I told myself I’d be honest in blogging. And honestly, I’m not sure which road I’m headed towards. Any sober advice is appreciated.


18 thoughts on “Is it that I can’t or that I don’t want to?

  1. The hard part of your dilemma is that you don’t know that the choice is really a few hours of feeling good/nothing vs a lifetime of freedom and joy.

    It’s really hard to believe that when booze is running the show. I didn’t.

    But it’s true. Life is just better and easier. And oh, so good.

    Just my thoughts.
    Merry Christmas,

    Liked by 2 people

    1. So needing that right now. Thanks for the insight. Hugs.


  2. Love your transparency. Firstly, you DO want to be sober, it’s the effort that goes into being sober that can be a challenge. It’s a lot easier to grab a drink “just because” than it is to strategize all day on how you NOT going to be tempted by everyday, every hour, every minute challanges. Instead, use the obstacles as opportunities. Opportunities to prove you CAN do it. Win over that’s”ugly” voice in your mind because you CAN! Not because you have to. I Love your blog and I have faith in you!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for the encouragement. I hope you continue to follow and and your perspective. Hugs and happy holidays.


  3. I should heed this advice i will give you but sadly i know i will not. Just believe in yourself and know that you can come through this. Peace and Love

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the encouragement. I know there is strength in numbers so I appreciate the support. Happy holidays!


  4. For me, the decision came and went. One day, I would really want to be sober for a lifetime, the next day, I would not. So I continued like that for DECADES. I would make the decision, believe it wholeheartedly, and then take it back when it became inconvenient. Now, I feel like I’ve transcended drinking in that I am no longer in the struggle. I know I’m not going to drink, so it’s no longer something I think about. That opened up my life to what it’s really meant to be. If you are no longer struggling constantly with the decision, you can think about your dreams and what you want to do and where you want to go, instead of constantly wondering if you should have a drink, how much to drink, and how to hide it.
    So glad you are blogging about your dilemma. ; )

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah! The rollercoaster. I’m sober. I’m not sober. I’m sober. The ride never ends. Until you just can’t ride anymore. Thinking about the emotional energy I put in to being on that rollercoaster is sure something that helps me to stay the course.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It’s comforting knowing that the roller coaster will stop! I know it will. I’m so darn impatient and want the magic cure. I had resigned to the fact that I’d ever remain sober until I began reading blogs and hearing from sober people. I know it may take a while but I’m confident I can beat this. 🙂


      2. So true! And you can’t see it while you’re in the middle of it. It took up all of my time, just thinking about or planning whether I was going to drink. It’s so nice to be free of that. It’s like finally becoming un-obsessed with someone you used to date. You see the alcohol for what it really is, and the magic is gone, just like that. ; )

        Liked by 1 person

    2. It’s definitely a roller coaster but it seems to get slower with time. The obsession is less and the good days are increasing, thanks to you and other pioneers that have have done the hard part for me. Now I just have to heed your advice and follow through. 🙂


  5. Love the honesty. I can relate 150% that the little things add to slip ups. I still “romanticize” alcohol sometimes. I find myself wishing I could moderate and thinking of all the things I can’t “celebrate” with alcohol. I struggled with the whole, “does this have to be a forever thing?” Then I remember I wasn’t really celebrating anyway when I was drinking, I was dousing my feelings numb. Giving up alcohol was the best decision I personally made and I hope you can find the answer that works best for you. I find it very admirable of you that you can be so completely open about your feelings towards this subject! You’ve got this!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thanks for the recent “like” on my piece on sobriety on “Retired, Not Dead.” This post sounds like it is coming right out of my own head. I’m only 6 weeks in and certainly enjoying some benefits, but this last week (Christmas week) was simply the worst. But I had to remind myself that I always struggle getting through the holidays no matter what. I hope this week seems better for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I’m learning to “wait it out”when the urge to drink arises. It does seem to get easier as time goes by. I’ve never regretted waking up sober and I’m hoping to keep it that way! 😀


  7. I’m at two & a half years & some days it’s just hard. Chin up!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Congratulations on the 2.5 years! I hope to be there one day.

      Liked by 1 person

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