I’ve been thinking a lot about the holidays. Especially about holiday parties and gatherings and anything else that is alcohol-related. I’ve been doing this sober thing for about a year and a half. Most days better, some days not so much. Last year I was able to stay sober amidst the chaos of the holidays. My slip-ups tend to be when the little things pile up rather than on big occasions. However, this year that ugly voice has been a bit louder than usual. That got me thinking: Is it that I can’t stay sober or that I don’t want to? In my head, I know the answer. I shouldn’t drink – any time, no matter what. It just isn’t good for me. It’s not my actions that get me into trouble, rather the hiding and lying and guilt afterwards. Hence, the huge wall I’ve built around me. The ugly voice tells me things like I’ve never been to rehab and No one knew I was drinking before so they wouldn’t notice now and How bad could it be?. Maybe I just don’t want to be sober.
Here’s the thing: I can minimize, justify or rationalize just about anything. Even drinking. I think most boozers can.
So what do I choose? What I know is best or what I want? What I can rationalize?
To be honest, I’m not exactly sure right now. I guess time will tell. I can deal with emotions or I can’t. I can choose a few hours of feel good or a lifetime of sobriety. I’m hoping I choose the latter.
I told myself I’d be honest in blogging. And honestly, I’m not sure which road I’m headed towards. Any sober advice is appreciated.