This is how I’be been feeling this week. While somewhat whiny and selfish, the feelings are real. Apologizing in advance.
Today, right now, I hate everything.
Today, i hate everything. Most of it, anyway. I love and hate the holidays, if that’s possible. I love tradition. But I hate that people in my family see it as just another day. That they choose work or financial gifts over tradition. They don’t need the money. They don’t have to work. They choose to.
I hate the fact that I will see my son for only a couple of days during the holidays. I’m so proud that he’s a responsible 21 year-old with a job, but I hate it. He lives in another city and I miss him terribly- every day. I hate the fact that our schedules don’t all coincide. I don’t like how I feel. I feel sad. I don’t like the fact that I don’t do sad.
I hate that I’m overly sensitive and give too much thought into what others think – and what they think of me.
I hate that people see my life as perfect. That’s a high standard to live up to. It’s exhausting.
I hate that people who know I’m struggling tip toe around me, as if I’ll break.
I hate that I have a pretty great life but feel so lost sometimes. A lot of the time.
I hate that I have amazing people in my life but feel alone much of the time.
Most of all, I hate that I have to deal with all of this sober. Cold turkey. I hate the fact that I can’t just numb it all. I hate people who can drink “successfully”. Why did i get the addict gene? I also hate those who don’t want or need to drink. I want that.
I never learned coping skills as a child. It wasn’t until I began therapy – and stopped drinking – that I had to learn them. Lots of them. And use them. One thing I’ve learned this year is that if I use my coping skills, my sober tools, it’s really not so bad. It’s work, but it’s really not so terrible.
Tomorrow, I’ll write about all of the things I love. I feel better just thinking about it.