How many times have we heard, or told ourselves, this too shall pass. I think I say it just to reassure myself. Not that I always believe it. Maybe if I say it often or loud enough I’ll trust that it’s true. Here’s the thing though: I suck at being patient. I’m an instant gratification kind of girl. If I can’t have it now, I don’t want it.
Maybe that’s how I’ve been approaching sobriety. If I can’t have it now, then what’s the point? Plus, if it’s not instant, maybe that means I’ll have to actually work for it. Wait for it. Do it. I tell myself life is better on the sober side of the fence. More calm. More predictable. Honest and authentic. Other times, especially after AA meetings, I tell myself I’m really not that bad. I mean, most of the people in my meetings have been arrested, been to rehab and had some pretty messed up crap going on. “Not me”, says that ugly voice in my head. “I’m only here because it was my idea.”
Those ugly thoughts are scary. You know, the ones that tell you you’re not pretty enough or thin enough or worthy of love or you’re broken or that you’re really not an alcoholic. Those voices are big fat liars. True, there are a lot of things I “haven’t done”, but there are a lot of things I have done. Truth be told: I am an alcoholic. There are no levels. It’s black and white. Yes or no. In or out. It sucks to even write that. Some days I wonder if it will ever end. Then, I remind myself that this, too, shall pass.
One day at a time.